19 August 2009

Passion for the Fight

I have a dream that I will one day be the best martial artist you ever did see.

Shake hands, knock out, or submit and tap,

my opponent will fear to see me on the mat.

School girl by day but ruthless at night,

I'm an innocent soul with a passion to fight.

Train my hardest, compete at my best, give my all during practice,

put my heart to the test.

Team mates encourage, coaches will teach,

but it takes determination for goals to be reached.

Building strength through talent given by God,

but hard work will beat talent when talent doesnt work hard.
I wrote this poem when I was 15, at the peak of my jiu jitsu career. Since the age of 13 grappling has been the love of my life, & though I may not be training now, I feel a comeback in the making. I been gone too long.

10 August 2009

The Heart

The most vital organ. Controls your life, yet regulated by your lifestyle. Protected by outer mass, yet susceptable to the most brutal of pains. So flexible... expanding and contracting, yet so limited in movement. The greatest providing source that needs even more providing for. Steady for a lifetime, yet silenced in a second... one quick moment. Most powerful, yet the most powerless. Has the might to live, yet weak enough to die. So strong, yet so fragile.
While writing, I kept forgetting which heart I was referring to: the literal heart? or the figurative? So I leave it to be interpreted by my readers.

09 August 2009

Everybody Plays the Fool

Why do we fall for the wrong ones? Mess over the ones... that one.. that truely wants you. Just for the other, to be with the other one... the one that could give a damn about you. "You're my lady." Ha! I fell for that.

The girl that made that mistake. I said it would never, no, could never be me. That turned around to bite me in the ass. Karma.

As a little girl I once wished that I would fall in love. Damn those fairy tales. Filling my head with false hopes... that I could actually find love... a love that loved me back. Guess I should've been more careful with my wishes.

I lost something real... that had potential... all because i fell for your act. Well, take your bow. You entertained the fool. Shame on me.

All I ever asked of you was honesty. Truth. My mistake, I thought you could handle that.
Sharing of horoscopes. Pet names. I was your "Abby," you were my "Chowder." Ha! Cute.

My friends slandered your name, knowing you were no good for me. Did I listen? NO. Even your friends knew it wouldn't work. I wanted to prove them wrong. What I didn't realize was that I had lost the fight before it even begun.

"She's just a friend" Ha! .... 6 years. And that's it? Nah slim. I ain't that dumb. I told you once before, I know more than you think. But not only did i play dumb, I played the fool.
"Why are you so concerned with other girls?" Because I knew... deep down... that I was never really what you wanted. But why? Why keep me around? That's what I just couldn't understand.
"Baby you my heart." Ha! I believed that too. I give you one thing. You're a pretty good liar.
How do you lie about love? Played with my emotions. Did you ever once feel any guilt? Did you ever really care?.....

Was I really that weak? From what? Your smile... your touch... you did something to me. You led me to believe that you cared. All the walls, I let them down... I let you in... even knowing your past. Foolish of me.

"Single Again. Back on the prowl." That status I made. It was a joke. But the tears I shed that night... were real. The tears that I shed now.... You cried too. Those tears, like your love.... were a lie.

I begged for your forgivness. You? Forgive me? Backwards little me. I can't believe you almost had me thinking it was my fault.

I stuck around. Thinking I could make you love me. I should've known better. I tried to ignore... deny it... until it was just too obvious. In my face. Too obvious to ignore.
I should've let go sooner. When the texts became fewer... shorter. When the calls stopped coming... When our late night convos became... non-existant.

My love gave you too much power: the power to hurt me. You left me long before I had finally decided to let go. Heartbroken. But not lost...

"Empower Your Being." Tatted on my side. A reminder that I must love me before I expect someone else to. Self-love is the best love.

I will always cherish the original misconception I had of you....

"I love you." Ha! The funnest joke you could've ever told me.

08 August 2009

Coming Out.

Should I keep it a secret? How do you even BEGIN to tell people that...

Just slip it into casual convo? Yea, thats it.... No. It's not that easy.

How do I tell my parents? What will they think of me? What will they do? Will they still love me?How will they react? What if... they already know? Can they tell?

I'm sure they can... the love notes.... Oh, God...

God! Will HE still love me? Yes of course! He loves all... but the Bible says...

No, No, NO! He loves ALL. I know that, for a... fact?

If it wasn't meant to be, then why am I like this? He made me this way.

My friends... will they accept me? Will they call me names? What if the whole school finds out?

I'll be mocked. Ridiculed.... Even worse.... No, that can't happen to me.

I have to be proud. It's not like I can help the way I am... or can I? No.

Why would i CHOOSE to go through this? I mean... I don't see the problem...

What's the big fucking deal with people?! I accept them for who they are. Flaws & all...

But is this a flaw? What am I saying? It's America.... But then.. Liberty & Justice for all. Right? Or no... it's just for some.

Ugh. I CANT take it! I have to be myself.

The down-low lifestyle isn't for me. I can deal with the outcome...

My heart.. pounding. Wow. My palms are sweaty.... I can do it... No turning back....

2 simple words have the ability to change my life... forever...

"Mom.. Dad... I have something to tell you..."

(For You Dro, my Pandora.)

The Genesis

"I'm pretty sure there are plenty of people out there that feel the same way as you Liane." The line that stimulated this whole blogging idea. My best friend's older sister overheard me reading a 3-part text message to my ex. She must have been attracted to my ability to word my feelings in an understandable fashion. I'm not sure. But there was something in that text that sparked this brilliant idea.

I guess it's about time I started blogging. I'm pretty sure Twitter is tired of my numerous tweets, back-to-back about my life. haha! I am the most complex of simple people that you will probably ever meet. It doesn't take much to please me, and from my demeanor you would never think that there is so much on my mind. And from the way I interact with people everyday you would never think that I could possibly have such a heavy heart.

So here I am. Blogging to the world. My life is an open book now. A diary that each reader holds the key to. If I am able to reach out to & connect with anyone through my words, I will be happy. I know how hard it is for some of us to convey the complex thoughts that cloud our minds. And express the conflicting emotions that overtake our hearts. So for all of you who feel how I feel, I'll be your voice.

Manipulation Nation

It's funny how people can seem to be so sincere, so real, so honest... & then turn out to be snakes. cheaters. liars. The lowest forms of life. Ugh! Is it so hard to be real these days? I guess people still abide by the rule "fake it to make it," huh? Well, that's NOT how I have chosen to live my life.

I'm so through with people that can't keep it 100 with me. Even when I think that I have people all figured out.... there's always a trick up their sleeve. Deceit. One thing I just can't get down with. I don't know about the rest of you, but there is no room in THIS young woman's life for someone who lies to get ahead.

Manipulation Nation. That's where I want all you FAKES to stay. If you lack the ability to truthfully convey your thoughts, feelings, & emotions, I HIGHLY doubt that this is the place for you.

But to those of you who take pride in being true... you're ALWAYS welcome.